I love setting New Year’s Goals, and looking back at the year to see how far I came, what I choose to dig into deeper than expected, what got deprioritized, and what came along unexpectedly!
My Goals in 2021 were…
In January, I set out to achieve the following goals (some of the details have been deleted for personal reasons):
Workout 21 days per month, each month
Modified by March to hire a fitness coach: Enter Chloe Shovin!
Since March 29, I’ve worked out consistently 2 – 4 times each week, learned how to love and appreciate my body AND work on improving it at the same time!
Then, I added in some really specific push-up goals to help prepare me for a NEW Goal of learning how to surf!
Determine the Training Needs for Returning to the Office by March 2021
Completed… but then we ended up pushing back our “return to office” date to (now) July 2022.
Register Selcouth Artistry as an official business
DONE!
Save $X,000 for one vacation by June 2021
DONE! I completed this early!
THEN, I exceeded this goal!
Which was good because I got the extraordinary opportunity to go on 2 AMAZING vacations, not just one 🙂 I’m so thankful that Jordan and I learned from Dave Ramsey how to be financially free – even if we aren’t rich lol. (Someday!)
Create a Needs/Wants List for a future home
DONE!
Determine our future home budget
DONE!
Read 20 books in 2021
LOL I read 0 books this year… well technically I’m still reading the one book I did start in 2021…. but I modified this one and instead listened to 1+ podcast every morning!
Pay off $X,000 in Student Loan Debt
Deleted from the Goal List.
Paint 50 canvases in 2021
OVERACHIEVER AWARD: By the end of the year I had finished 73 canvases!
My Sankalpas for 2021 were…
First of all… my sankalpas weren’t even written correctly. LOL.
Sankalpa is a term in yogic philosophy that refers to a heartfelt desire, a solemn vow, an intention, or a resolve to do something. It is similar to the English concept of a resolution, except that it comes from even deeper within and tends to be an affirmation.
Unlike a goal, which is a personal need to accomplish something, the concept of sankalpa turns inward to connect with the heart’s highest intention. It is a vow that is stated as true in the present moment.
So, I wrote my sankalpas as:
Learn to love myself (when I should have phrased it as, “I love myself deeply.”)
Lead a life of courage (when I should have phrased it as, “I lead a life of courage”)
Regardless….. These served me so well!
Ways I embodied these Sankalpas this year…
Learn to love myself
Investing in myself, my well-being, my fitness by hiring a fitness coach
Dressing in ways that make me feel good.
Turning on my camera for work on days when I didn’t feel “perfect” or “put together” (OK, admittedly not every time. But I made some serious progress here on accepting myself as imperfect!
Practicing loving myself AND working on myself at the same time.
Training my brain that I rather than an act of hatred for my body… I choose to workout and eat healthy BECAUSE I love myself, I do this out of self-love.
Apologize less.
Stand up for myself more.
Remind myself that I am WORTHy of respect, having my opinion heard, taking up space.
Listen to my inner mean girl, but NOT let her rule all of my thoughts.
Lead a life of courage
Dress courageously
Take more risks
Do things that excite me. Such as: Surfing in Nicaragua and Skiing on mountains.
Follow Greenlights. Say Yes! when it feels right to do so.
It felt like an act of courage to have the NERVE to learn to love myself as well.
Stand up for myself.
Stretch into roles that feel out of my comfort zone. Saying things like, “I’d be happy to learn how to do that.”
Saying, “No.” to projects that I don’t want to do, or don’t have time for, or wouldn’t prioritize.
Taking control of my schedule where I can, and being brave enough to practice relaxing when I’m not able to (or don’t) control my schedule.
Fail, learn, and try again.
Choose to NOT say out loud the things my inner mean girl whispers in my mind.
Choose NOT to feed into negative conversation threads. To instead stay silent.
Delegating, even when I feel I would do something better, or I “should” do it, or not wanting to burden someone.
Ask for help when I need it!
Now, it’s time to look ahead again. What do I want in 2022? What do I want to be open to in 2022? Where do I want to grow? Where do I NEED to grow?
Katrina Thoe, Dodge County Dairy Princess 2019, 2020, and 2021, is the 4th Thoe sister to to be a Princess Kay of the Milky Way Finalist!
That means all four of us Thoe daughters will have had this opportunity, which is a pretty rare and marvelous thing for us all to share.
This is exciting stuff people!
Katrina Thoe, Princess Kay Finalist 2021
Princess Kay of the Milky Way is a rigorous competition
The young women vying for this title must live or work on a dairy farm, be knowledgeable and passionate about the dairy community, and willing to serve their community as a representative of the Midwest Dairy Association.
I remember helping my sisters prepare for interview questions such as, “What is an essential nutrient, and how many are in one 8 oz. glass of milk?” and “Why is butter yellow?” and “what happens when cows die?”
The answers to which include:
An essential nutrient is a nutrient that we need to survive, but our body does not create it on its own so we must digest it. There are now 13 essential nutrients in just one 8oz. glass of milk including calcium, protein, vitamin D, phosphorus, vitamin A, riboflavin, vitamin B12, pantothenic acid, niacin, zinc, selenium, iodine and potassium.
Butter is yellow because cows eat grass which contains Beta-carotene which has a yellow tint.
When our cows die, we mourn their death. Our cows are more than our pets, they are our livelihood and our family.
I have been proud to be there for, with, and alongside all of my sisters as they have competed for this extraordinary title. Along the way, we’ve all represented our home state Minnesota with pride and passion, and supported the dairy farmers all across the Midwest.
Katrina will compete in several areas: she will present a prepared speech about how dairy is nutritious, present an extemporaneous speech on a topic she will only receive on the day of competition, be professionally and personally interviewed, complete a mock media interview, complete a timed writing assignment, and more!
She has been prepping like crazy and is so ready for this opportunity, I’m so excited for her!!! She will gain interview skills, dairy knowledge, and public speaking skills that will be extremely valuable for the rest of her life!
A Little Bit About My Experience
As I grew up, I watched my two older sisters vie for the title Princess Kay of the Milky Way, and I idolized them for that (among all the other wonderful, amazing things these women do).
McCayla Thoe Dodge County Dairy Princess 2014 on Nifty Holstein’s Dairy Farm
Much like the Miss America Organization, candidates must compete and win a local title prior to competing for the state title. Just like my three sisters, I represented Dodge County at the Princess Kay of the Milky Way competition.
I remember feeling elated that I knew the correct answer to each question in my Mock Media Interview, One on One Interview, and Professional Interview. I remember feeling confident in my presentation of my prepared and extemporaneous speeches. I knew without a doubt that I had competed my heart out, and did everything within my power to present my best self. When we paraded on stage the night before the Minnesota Fair opened to the public, I smiled radiantly, stood with poise, and awaited the results.
Then, the announcer called out our top 3 candidates, and none of the names were McCayla Thoe.
McCayla Thoe with family and friends after Princess Kay of the Milky Way coronation 2014 Wearing shirts that said, “Everything is BETTER WITH BUTTER” on the front and “GO THOE” on the back.
To say I was devastated is wildly understated.
This dream I had been dreaming since I was 7 years old diminished in less than a moment. I would never have this opportunity again, and I couldn’t change the results by sheer will. I remember wondering why God didn’t let me win, why wasn’t it my journey to be Princess Kay of the Milky Way, when he knew just how badly I wanted it?
As time went on, I became more and more “OK” with this reality. Opportunities arose for me in that year that I would have had to say “No” to if I had won Princess Kay of the Milky Way. For me, the lesson I learned was that sometimes, we don’t get the things we want because there is something else wonderful waiting for us in our future.
I remember listening to a podcast by Kira Kazantsev (the “What We Do” Podcast. Highly recommend.) with guest Savvy Shields, both of whom were Miss America. Savvy said something to the extent of,
“If it is not your journey to do something or be something, then there is nothing you can do to change that. AND if it IS your journey, there is nothing you can do to change that either.”
This really stuck with me because she was so right! God has a plan in place for all of us, and when life stresses us out and we worry we aren’t doing enough, or worry that we aren’t doing what we are supposed to be doing, it is important to remember that our lives are in God’s hands. What is meant to be, will be. All we can do is our best!
So, to my sister and best friend Katrina, GOOD LUCK GIRL!!!!
You can do it.
YES YOU CAN!
You are radiant, kind, generous, intelligent, and passionate about dairy. You are EVERYTHING that a Princess Kay of the Milky Way represents and would do a stellar job as PK if that is your journey.
Breathe deep, let go, and let God guide you. No matter what the outcome, I love you and I am SO PROUD OF YOU!
I’d been asking myself this question for a few months on a very serious level.
What I had already tried… and failed at
Two years ago, I had created my own progressive workout program and was going to the gym every single day after work. I was seeing a few results with this! Then COVID hit. Gyms closed. My results dwindled fast and my confidence did too shortly after that.
If you read my blog you know that I tried really hard to lose weight last year. Some of my personal goals included sticking to KETO (actually did OK on this), run 30 miles every month (I think I succeeded 7/12 months, so not bad!), completed one beach body workout program (I started and restarted several, but never actually finished one). I was maintaining my weight, but not losing any.
In December 2020, I broke down to my boyfriend and told him, “I don’t love myself anymore.” He comforted me, said lovely things, but ultimately he couldn’t make me love myself. That has to come from within.
I decided that this year, instead of a super intense spreadsheet of my goals I would accomplish a few big intangible goals…. and along the way accomplish only 3 smaller SMARTER goals per quarter.
The Big Intangible Goals
Lead A Life Of Courage
Learn To Love Myself
Deciding to invest in myself
There are a couple of reasons why I started to consider spending money on a fitness coach or personal trainer:
After completing Financial Peace University, I started following all of the Ramsey Personalities on IG. Rachel Cruze posted “Every dollar you spend is a reflection of your values.” And I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I thought about what I spend my money on, and here it is: staying alive, entertainment, creating art, gifts for others, & holiday decorations. After months of reflection I started to wonder… “What would happen if I intentionally invested in myself this year?”
Looking in the mirror is hard. It is f*ing hard. The person in the mirror doesn’t reflect what I want others to see when they see me. I want to look in the mirror and feel fierce. I want to WANT to see photos that have been taken of me. I want to wear clothes that feel like an extension of my personal style… I started thinking about how much calmer I feel when my home is clean and decorated for the next upcoming holiday… and that got me stuck in a closed mindset of “When I look this certain way THEN I will feel at peace with myself and be confident to be who I am.” Even though I don’t hold ANYONE else to that standard, it’s the one I give myself. For myself, I only had two options: Figure out how to lose the weight or give up on ever feeling confident again. I wasn’t sure how to get myself out of this mindset… I hoped that a professional in this field could help.
Since I discovered the Full Focus Planner, I’ve been following Michael Hyatt & Co. too on social media and both of his podcasts. In one of his podcasts, Michael said, “I’ve always made more money when I hired someone else to do it.” He talked about how hiring someone else to help you with your business will not only wield more profit, that person will do the work in less time than it would take you, and they will do it better than you would. I started thinking about how that applied to my self-love journey. I began to wonder, “What results would I see if I hired someone to help me achieve my fitness goals? Would they get me to my goals in less time? Would they motivate and encourage me better than I can myself?” I figured the answer to that was a resounding YES.
Deciding on long term goals
I Googled “Personal Trainers near me” and found a couple of gyms that promised I would “Get Ripped Fast!” and charged $50.00 – $100.00 per session (AKA – 3 workouts a week would be $150.00 – $300.00 per week) and I don’t have that kind of money! I also didn’t feel like that was the right fit for me…. because it seemed to only be about working out….. and it seemed to me that long term results would only last if I transformed out my mindset first. Also, should nutrition be a part of my fitness journey? It just didn’t feel like the package I wanted for my personal self-love journey.
I reached out to a Beach Body coach I know from High School because I’ve known her most of my life, and I’d seen her results. She looks amazing! And she and I had had a few conversations about joining her fitness group, but something always held me back. Not from her, I fully believe she’s a fantastic coach. Not necessarily from Beach Body either, because again, her results speak for themselves. And I had had some success with Beach Body before, as had my sisters and a few other friends…. But it seemed to be missing something. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it wasn’t quite the level of accountability I thought I needed? Maybe it was the fact that I had “already tried Beach Body” or maybe because I don’t totally buy into Shakeology? I’m not sure. I know it’s great for lots of people, it just was missing something for me.
I decided to stop looking for the day, and headed over to the IG. As I was scrolling I passed a post by @Clo_Sho and my memory seemed to remember that she might be a fitness coach? I navigated to her page and saw her bio: “I get women confident + sexy without shame, impossible meal plans, or ridiculous workouts.” I thought, “Now, this sounds more like what I was thinking…” So I sent her a message and asked if she was taking new clients.
Finally taking the leap of faith
Chloe scheduled a phone consultation with me and I liked what she had to offer. But I still wasn’t sure….
I talked about it with my boyfriend, “I support that decision if we can afford it. I love you exactly as you are. And I want you to feel confident, too. So, if this is what you want to do, then let’s do it!” I inched a little closer towards deciding to hire her.
I talked about it with my sister (who by the way is the reason I was following Clo Sho on IG in the first place. She and I had taken one of her fitness classes “Champagne, Strawberries & Stillettos” a few years ago. It was a MAJOR blast, btw.). My sister said, “Oh you HAVE to hire her. Chloe is so awesome, I love her.” We talked about some of the details and she said, “Well, for your birthday I’ll pay for one week of her fitness program. I inched several steps closer towards deciding to hire her.
I called two of my friends who are into fitness and self-love, and they both encouraged me to do it. They also offered other alternatives, but as the alternatives were listed I had that phenomenon where I thought to myself No… as I’m hearing you say that, I know it’s not right for me. My gut says that what feels the most right for me is to hire this fitness coach.
I called my mom, and talked about this decision with her. She was curious, but was mostly curious about less expensive options. She listed several free options, and low cost options that I had either already tried, or only focused on one area of fitness. I explained to my mom how Chloe approaches fitness differently. She prioritizes nutrition above working out, stress management, and sleep above working out. I’m not sure if my mom is still 100% on board, but she also offered to pay for one week of Chloe’s fitness coaching program if that’s what I wanted for my birthday. I decided, it was.
It’s done. I hired her!
Jordan asked me, “When does your program start?”
“Monday.” I replied.
“Are you excited?” he asked.
“I’m not sure.” I said. “I’m still not 100% sure what I signed up for, or what my results will look like. I don’t believe in magical transformations anymore. I don’t think fitness works like that. So, right now I’m not giddy with excitement about my magical transformation…. It’s more like… I’m curious about what this investment will teach me?”
And that’s it, folks. My program starts on Monday.
If you can, support me in this journey. Over the next 12 weeks, help me by being an accountability partner for me. Thanks!
As you may recall, I set some lofty goals for 2020. I broke the year into quarters and assigned goals to each quarter. The year 2020 is FINALLY over, and we have no idea what’s coming up this year. I’ve been procrastinating on checking in with my goals because… well… I was afraid.
BUT, George Addair once said, “Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” So, here I am.
Below is the Excell spreadsheet that shows my goals from 2020. I set 3 goals that were meant to be achieved throughout the whole year, and then I also set quarter specific goals. At a glance…. it looks like Q4 was a UTTER failure. Uff da. All that red does NOT make me feel good.
I did not meet my running goal… so no new Garmin watch for me *shrug* *sigh*
I didn’t lost 10 pounds… but hey, I didn’t gain any either!
I still have YET to actually finish a Beach Body workout program….
My memoir got left to the wayside.
But, don’t get me wrong, some pretty amazing things happened! Just not my goals that I set for myself months ago…
What have I learned?
Running is hard, and just running to run isn’t exciting to me. Running as a form of training for a race that is upcoming can be exciting for me… and running as a form of weight loss (when and ONLY when paired with proper nutrition and OTHER workouts) can be exciting… but just running for running sake? Not exciting to me. So, because of that, paired with the fact that I was running my tail off for MONThs and not losing any weight? I was completely de-motivated. So, I totally slacked off these last three months. Especially because I would have had to run outside in the chilly weather…. that and the gyms are closed…. I just wasn’t on board for that.
I restarted a couple of different workout routines and I have YET to start and actually finish a whole beach body workout program… I know I have that in me, I’m just not motivated enough to do so at this point…
I learned that in quarantine I have more time but less motivation to accomplish my goals. It is far too easy to binge TV shows, make myself a cocktail, and scroll through tik toks (my latest obsession). I have to actively fight back against my laziness. I have to schedule in time to accomplish, to check in with my goals, and make sure that I’m making progress.
I didn’t check in with myself after the 3rd quarter. Did you notice? If you notice that in the future, please reach out! I may need a reminder! It honestly fell off my radar… I kept meaning to go back and check in with myself….. but that obviously didn’t happen. AND because of that…. my 4th quarter goals were out of sight out of mind my friends…. Well, that and I had some other pretty cool opportunities arise that stole most of my time. More on that in a bit!
How did COVID-19 affect my goals?
Still terrified of entering public places, I only mailed one painting out to a buyer. I might not have, except the buyer was a good friend of mine 🙂 I’m all about that special treatment for loved ones!
Again this quarter, no art fairs.
Sometimes quarantine life gets me down. Sometimes life in general gets me down. Heck, we all experienced grief or loss of some kind this year! Many of us are casually flowing through the stages of grief whether or not we realize it…. Whether or not we are willing to admit it to ourselves….
In fact, last week I cried almost every single day. I cried for good reasons, I cried for weird reasons, I cried for no reason at all, I was emotionally triggered by things that normally wouldn’t even PHASE me???? And for a while, I was baffled at why it was happening. I couldn’t explain it! And then my friend told me that the side effects of COVID had hit her hard recently, so I paused to reflect. I realized that I have been very resilient throughout this whole year, I accomplished goals, I got a new job (the I LOVE), I moved, I grew, I adapted, and I stayed strong to push through the holiday season because I knew it would be difficult this year…. And after the holidays…. in this bleak January month, COVID finally had worn me down and I needed a few good cries. I needed a breakdown because I had been holding it all together for too long.
I’m continuing to recommit to my goals (working on scheduling that into my weekly routine) to help me keep that forward focused mindset!
So…. What DID Happen This Quarter?
Well, In October I carved 3 pumpkins with Jordan and practiced my makeup skills when we dressed up as The Joker and Harley Quinn (I had wanted to be this costume for YEARS!!!! Maybe it’s cliche but it was SO worth it!)
In October, I also held a virtual painting class for my mentee, my sister, and my sister’s mentee (We painted a witch flying over the full moon on her broom).
Jordan and I spent weekends camping at the farm to help with harvest season. I’ll always remember those weekends waking up in a tent, heading over to my parents house for a social distanced breakfast in the garage, and then getting to work on the farm doing whatever is needed. I’ll remember the lunches packed in paper bags, and placed steps or the steps of the tractor I was driving for contactless delivery. I’ll remember talking to my grandparents through the kitchen window. I’ll remember being so exhausted at the end of the day that we collapsed into our lawn chairs beside the fire, without playing loud music, without getting too rowdy, looking up at the stars or staring at the flames, listening to the coyotes howl nearby, mesmerized by the tranquility of the moment. 2020 was a weird year, but weekends like that made it memorable because we came together despite all odds, worked hard to ensure our own safety and the safely of our loved ones, in order to support those we love.
In November, we were able to attend a wedding and a baptism safely, got to hold a baby, got to be in close proximity to friends and family, got to dance, got to laugh together. The small sense of normalcy was intoxicating.
In November, we we stressed, no doubt, with the election at the top of everyone’s minds, but we persevered that too. And no matter who you cast your vote to, you persevered too. These are tough times my friends, and we are still surviving. That’s amazing.
In November, I also got a text that would change the next several months. My oldest sister’s best friend from college sent me this text, and she asked if I would be willing to offer multiple virtual painting classes to youth 4-H groups. After a bit of soul searching, I decided that my business could absolutely benefit from a vision change to meet these tumultuous times. I practiced these virtual painting classes with willing friends and family to prepare for these classes. I modified my website and my Facebook page to offer these classes to youth groups, or adults, or families, or anyone really.
In December I began offering these painting classes! I earned some extra cash for the holidays, I had a newfound purpose, something to look forward to! I had kiddos inspiring me to add in cardinals, campers, and barns to my paintings.
In December, I spent many hours calling family members. Sometimes we spent our time chatting about life updates, other times I sang holiday songs to them, and other times discussed how COVID has affected our lives. In the end, there are many with whom I’ve grown closer in this isolating season.
In my next post, I will give an overview of my whole year. Followed shortly by a new post outlining my goals for 2021.
Jordan and I drove up to Duluth, MN and visited sites all along the North Shore over Labor Day weekend. If you’ve never been there, I highly recommend going!
If you asked Jordan about his favorite part of our trip, he would tell you that he enjoyed the High Ropes Course. For him, this activity was new, a little bit dangerous, just the right amount of scary, and a physical challenge he was thrilled to overcome.
For me? It was fun until we moved from Beginner/Green to Intermediate/Blue level… Once we were on the blue level I was petrified. We were up in the air another 15 or so feet and I was having anxiety through the roof!!! I even had a full blown panic attack with literal tears. Jordan, my amazing supportive soul mate, was unfortunately ahead of me at this time and unable to move backwards in the course. Despite the distance between us, he nodded his encouragement to me and reminded me to take control of my breathing. He told me later how much his heart ached to have to watch my anxiety from a distance and the uncertainty he felt with how to comfort me.
Behind me, was another couple, gaining speed and about to discover my insecurities. Overwhelmed with shame, fear, and a will to pull myself together and overcome my panic attack so that I could accomplish the next task. I was able to pull through and the sigh of relief I felt as my feet finally hit the solid earth again was so full of gratitude and deep relaxation that it was as if I’d been holding my breath for hours. It felt as if I hadn’t been able to release that angst within myself at that exact moment, I might have passed away from the built up pressure inside every cell of my body.
If you asked me what my favorite part of our vacation was, I would have a hard time narrowing it down. How does a 7 mile hike to the top of a waterfall compare to the view of an expansive lake from atop a cliff? How does snuggling with a loved one to stay warm in a summer tent not well equipped for 30* weather compare with sitting around a bonfire with siblings I rarely see due to the distance between our homes?
The truth, is that I enjoyed Minnesota’s North Shore through a variety of lenses, and what I’ll share with you today is the artist’s lens.
Something I love to do, is discuss with Jordan what we notice when we are surrounded by nature because he and I view the world through our own unique lenses. We enjoy sharing our experiences and our views of the world with each other so that we can better understand and appreciate each other. In doing so, we learn to love each other more deeply and intimately.
Jordan typically notices wildlife, or signs of wildlife that was nearby recently, and the size of the trees. Together, we enjoy finding the largest trees, guessing how old they are, debating the possibilities of the life these trees have lived and what storms they might have weathered.
I typically pay attention to nature as if I was planning to paint it.
While in Duluth, I studied the colors of the trees as they slowly and subtly began to change colors due to the crisp fall temperatures that came unseasonably early.
I studied the shadows of the rocks so that I could emulate consistency and accuracy in my future paintings.
I took time to notice the way that moss lay across the uneven surfaces.
I studied the local vegetation and watched the thousands of bees pollinating yellow flowers in Gooseberry Falls.
I studied the ripples that boats made as they floated across the expansive Lake Superior.
And then contrasted them with the ripples that waterfalls made in the natural pools at their feet.
I contemplated the depths of those pools beneath waterfalls and wondered what life lived in those caverns.
I studied the paths that went “off trail” and questioned why we chose to wind down the hillside in such a manner, in such a herd mentality that there is now a trail to follow.
I took photographs of the rocks and agates that I came across so I could reference their natural perfection, their coloration, and overall their beauty to be used in ways I haven’t yet considered.
I contemplated if I preferred the view from the top or the bottom of this vast and wondrous landscape.
I tried to take it all in with my minds eye in such a way that I might be able to make these moments last a lifetime.
Soon I’ll create my visions on a canvas. Until then, enjoy these photographs and imagine what I might create.
Communication has a critical role both in our personal life, and our professional life. In the context of our professional life, communication adds clarity and direction, unites our visions, and builds trust.
And even when we have the best intentions, sometimes our messages can cause the recipient of our message to have an emotionally triggered response. Why does this happen? And how can we prevent this from happening?
Today it seems like miscommunication is happening more often than ever before. So, I wanted to share some information on the Communication Cycle. Through understanding this cycle, we can learn ways to prevent miscommunication from happening, how to overcome a miscommunication to repair the conversation, and overall improve our communication skills tremendously.
What is the communication cycle?
It’s a model that demonstrates the relationship between the sender, their message, and the recipient of that message. The model expresses how the system of conveying and understanding messages operates. It demonstrates common areas of miscommunication. By understanding the communication cycle we can greatly improve our communication with others.
This image from http://www.toolshero.com depicts the Communication cycle as described in this blog.
As depicted in the picture above, there are several steps to the Communication Cycle. First, the sender decides what their message is. The sender decides how they want to convey their message (this is called encoding the message). Next the sender decides what channel to send the message through (for example, in person, on the phone, in a chat, email, etc.). Then, the recipient receives the message and interprets the message (this is called decoding the message). Finally, they respond, and the cycle starts over.
It’s a multi-step process, that we encounter every single day, but we don’t always think about it.
What might be an example of how we use this multi-step process every day, just to put it into perspective?
The easiest example I can think of is when someone asks for a project to be completed ASAP.
People use this phrase ALL the time! But…
When is ASAP? Is it in 30 seconds? Does it mean fully stop all other projects until this request is completed? Does it mean within 2 business days?
Even if you have a strong working relationship with someone and you think that you can assume what time frame ASAP actually means, you can’t know for certain unless you ask.
As you are probably already aware, using the phrase ASAP often leads to miscommunication. This is because the sender did not encode their message sufficiently for the recipient to be able to decode the message correctly.
The phrase ASAP also can incite stress in the recipient of the message, especially if the ASAP request came from leadership. So, the impact of this message was that is emotionally triggered the recipient, and that can be extremely detrimental to the recipient’s ability to decode the message accurately.
If we all were experts on the communication cycle, we might not use that phrase at all because we would know the importance of specificity when encoding a message, of matching the intent of our message with the impact of our message, and asking clarifying questions when decoding a message.
Why does MISCOMMUNICATION happen so frequently?
I really think that George Bernard Shaw said it best. He said,
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
– George Bernard Shaw
I like this quote a lot, it speaks to ownership and process. But then you have the flipside, “You can’t unring the bell.” Sometimes, it feels like we get caught in middle of the process, and then nothing goes out, or at least, not the message you want to say.
Mastering communication is definitely a balancing of mastering the process while not overanalyzing your message to that point where you don’t send your message at all.
I mentioned that quote because I think miscommunication happens most frequently because we craft a message that makes perfect sense to us, but no sense at all to our recipient. When this happens, usually miscommunication happened in the encoding and/or the decoding stages of the communication cycle.
What I see happening a lot is people will craft their communication based on their own knowledge, experiences, and biases rather than based on their shared knowledge, experiences, and biases that they have with the recipient of the message.
What can we do as the sender to prevent miscommunication?
It really comes down to thoughtfulness and consideration of who your recipient is before you actually send or say your message.
As the sender, when you are encoding/ crafting your message, it is important to be as clear and specific as possible so as to minimize the amount of interpreting that the recipient needs to do. This completely takes the guess work out of the message and your recipient will know exactly what you mean. For example, instead of “ASAP,” say that you need the project done by Friday August 14th at 4:30 PM.
It’s also important to consider the impact that your message may have on the recipient. You want your intent and the impact to be complementary of one another. Some things to consider when you are encoding your message may include language barriers, cultural differences, and any differences in knowledge and experience that your recipient may have from you.
Be extraordinarily thoughtful when you are communicating with others.
When the sender does not provide this level of thoughtfulness when crafting their a message, the intent of the message can get lost in miscommunication, or the impact of the message may be completely off from the intent of the message. And it happens a lot of times, by sheer accident. So my final tip for the sender would be to proof read your message before you send that email or that chat or before you call your coworker on Teams. Proofread your message for tone, check for those barriers I mentioned previously, and maybe even sit on it for a few minutes.
Pausing to proofread your message is especially important if you, the sender, are feeling rushed or pressured while you are crafting your message. When you are in that rushed state of mind, your message will reflect that, and sometimes the message can lose a sense of professionalism, and in the workplace and especially as a leader in the workplace, we never want to lose our professionalism when communicating with our coworkers. Better yet, have a coworker, your assistant, your spouse, or a friend proofread the message for you.
As the recipient, it is extremely helpful when the sender provides that level of thoughtfulness and in those cases the communication is truly set up for success. However, even in such a scenario, there is still plenty of room for miscommunication.
How has COVID-19, and subsequently working from home, affected the Communication Cycle?
This “new normal” affected the channel, or mode of communication, that we use more than it affected any other aspect of our communication.
When you receive a message in person, you have all kinds of context clues including facial expressions and body language to help you understand the intent of their message. When many of us switched to working from home and we no longer had in person communication as an option, we were required to amp up our use of other channels like Teams, Skype, Slack, Zoom, e-mail, text messages, and phone calls to communicate with one another.
Think for a moment, have you experienced any technical difficulties that resulted in miscommunication?
I’d bet money that for most people, the answer to this question is yes.
Low bandwidth, people not knowing how to use their equipment… it all contributes to miscommunication. Without a webcam on it’s easy to misinterpret the message, or the intent of the message. I find myself focusing on my tone of voice a lot just for that reason. I also try to keep from being sarcastic as it doesn’t translate well, especially without video, unless you know the person you are talking to very well. And if you have a microphone that’s skipping out, your message has no chance of coming across in the way you envisioned it.
When you are deciding which mode of communication you want to use to convey your message you, now more than ever, need to consider which method is the most appropriate for my needs? For example, if the topic is sensitive, I would use a video chat to provide those context clues and body language to help convey my tone and the intention of my message. However, if the message was not emotionally triggering, and it was of utmost importance that the information was displayed correctly, I would send an email so as to avoid any technical difficulties, like a glitch in the video chat, for a reliable way of communication to get through. Depending on the topic, I might even do both: video call first, then follow up with an email of the summary and key points of my message. Finally, if the message is non-urgent, and more of an FYI type of message, I might send it as a chat to multiple recipients.
With this virtual world we are in right now, I might even throw in an emoji or a GIF to help display my tone and intentionality. In an email, I might alter my signature to vary between “Warmly, McCayla” and “Thank you for your attention to this matter, McCayla” to display my tone as well.
What can the recipient do, to improve communication?
Especially if the recipient is negatively impacted by the message they received?
There are two things: Give the message your full attention and ask clarifying questions.
When you are a recipient and decoding /interpreting the message, it is your responsibility to minimize distractions to allow yourself to give the message your full attention. If too distracted, you might not fully read the message, thereby missing key words or phrases, possibly misinterpreting the intent of the message, you might jump to conclusions, and as a result you might respond with heightened emotions.
Try to not make assumptions or jump to conclusions, whenever possible.
Again, I’ll say that if emotions are involved, your message might lack it’s professionalism. So, as the recipient, it’s important to ask for clarification if you feel confused, negatively impacted, or emotionally triggered by the message that you received. By asking clarifying questions, you’ll be able to bridge the gap in your communication to foster a positive conversation.
The ASAP Example, Continued…
Let’s say that I sent you an email that says, “I need you to create a digital learning module for my class ASAP.” This makes me the sender, and you the recipient.
How would you interpret this message? How do you interpret my tone? And what would your response be?
Based on our business relationship and our personalities, you might interpret that as a call for help, and go into consulting mode, and ask these clarifying questions:
What course?
Who’s the audience?
What do you mean by ASAP?
Is the content ready to be developed, or do we need to write the content?
By doing so, you are being an expert communicator, taking the bold step to admit that you need more information to be able to fulfil the request, and providing me an opportunity to correct my message.
I, as the sender, completely lacked specificity in this example. There is a huge disregard for clarity in my message to you. Somethings I could have done differently in my message would be to provide an exact timeline, relevant details, and to include this sentence at the end, “If you have questions please let me know.” This lets the recipient know that it is ok to ask questions. Without this, there is a tone of urgency and an expectation that you understand my intent.
Without an invitation to ask questions, this message can create shame on the recipient’s end when they don’t inherently understand the message, especially if coming from leadership. It takes a lot of guts to say to your boss or your manager, “Hey I’m sorry, but I am not really sure what you mean here.”
As the recipient of a message like this one, allow yourself to take the moment of vulnerability to ask those clarifying questions. Be a vulnerable participant of the conversation. This is not a sign of weakness or a lack of knowledge. Rather, it shows that you are an active listener who actually wants to learn and wants to do the job right.
So, how do we master the communication cycle to become expert communicators?
Well, true mastery of anything is 20% knowledge, and 80% practice. We’ve talked about the skills it takes to master the communication cycle, so you have some knowledge of how to do it, although you might want to do further research (I highly encourage this, it is a fascinating subject!) Now the real trick is to actually practice these tips in your every day communication.
Also, I think that actually we all already are expert communicators to those who are closest to us. The true mastery comes in when you are able to apply those same communication skills to everyone else.
Here’s what I mean: I’ll bet that if you wanted to persuade your best friend or your spouse or someone else you are really close to, into going to a concert you wouldn’t have any trouble at all. Am I right?
If you know someone well enough, you know the right emotional triggers to get a positive response.
Would it be that easy to convince a stranger?
Without knowing their interests, you may as well go fishing without bait. As the sender, you might need to gather some information before you pitch your message. You might want to start with a brief introduction of yourself, identify your personal pronouns, state a fun fact about yourself, and then ask the recipient to do the same.
It takes more effort and intentionality to communicate with people we are less familiar with, but we do have the capability to do so.
What do you think is the hardest stage of the communication cycle?
Well, as someone who has studied this subject, I am always working to improve my communication with others. I’ve found that it is WAY easier to improve my communication as the sender than it is as the recipient. As the sender, I put so much effort into my thoughtfulness and consideration of how my message might impact the recipient, that I am often thrown off when someone doesn’t put that level of effort into their communication with me. This is a really big struggle for me.
Being the recipient of poor communication is a huge struggle for me.
When this happens and I feel myself starting to have an emotional response, my first thought is often, “Oh, man. If they would have phrased that in a slightly different way, I would not be having this negative emotional response right now.”
So, if you have ever felt that way… you are not alone, haha. *sarcastic high-five*
Something I have been working on the past year or so, is asking clarifying questions whenever I feel that negative emotional response. It helps tremendously! What it does, is provides the sender a second chance to better display their intent.
It’s completely OK to not understand exactly what the sender is trying to tell you. It’s completely OK to ask for clarification. No one is perfect, no one knows everything, we all make mistakes, and we all need a little help sometimes.
Closing thoughts
Effective communication is not defined by the message that was sent, but by the response it receives.
Be extraordinarily thoughtful when you are communicating with others.
Match the intent of your message to the impact that your message has on the recipient.
Stop saying ASAP, provide a real deadline instead.
Us an appropriate channel, or mode of communication, for your message.
Ask clarifying questions whenever you feel confused, emotionally triggered, or negatively impacted by someone’s communication.
Try to not make assumptions or jump to conclusions, whenever possible.
Allow yourself to be a vulnerable participant of the conversation. This is not a sign of weakness or a lack of knowledge. Rather, it shows that you are an active listener who actually wants to learn and wants to do the job right.
I could go on and on with this topic, so if you’re interested in talking through more examples or learning more bout this topic, comment below and I’d be happy to do a follow up post!
As a result of the pandemic COVID-19, many employees were thrust into the virtual world with little to no warning, we adjusted to this new reality, but for some of us we are having trouble focusing at home. I know I am, though some days are better than others.
In the office, we are able to step into a physical space that is different than home which helps us to separate work life from home life. Now, many of us don’t have that luxury. My work life IS my home life. Working from home has busted the myth that the two ever operated separately. I think we were just good at pretending they were separate, that we were capable of only existing in one or the other at a given time. I’ve realized that’s simply not true. Being able to recognize that as true has helped me to feel a sense of relief.
The sheer number of distractions when working at home are tumultuous. For some, family members are walking by or working near you, talking on the phone, or children are trying to play with you, maybe your children are learning from home and so you have to be a teacher and an employee… For others, roommates are entering the room and operating on a schedule that is different than yours and making noise at inconvenient times. Let’s not forget pets who need love, attention, and long walks. And for anyone who doesn’t have a roommate, or family members or pets sharing their living space… we ALL have household chores. The dreaded household chores!
So, I needed some kind of method to help me stay focused on my work, but allowed for breaks to tend to the other needs of my day. I discovered the Pomodoro Technique as a way to be intentional with my time, schedule in breaks, improve productivity, and regain focus.
These past three weeks, I tested out this technique and have been journaling about my experiences so I could share them with you.
What is the Pomodoro Technique?
It’s a time management technique. It breaks your work into 25 min chunks, separated by breaks. It was invented by an Italian man named Francesco Cirillo and he named it after a tomato shaped kitchen timer, as “pomodoro” is Italian for “tomato.”
My coworker used this technique as a team effort and shared a bit of that experience with me. He said,
“Our team was going through some system upgrades, and our manager suggested using the Pomodoro Technique as a way to manage our testing plan. One teammate would work on testing for 25 minutes, and then hand it off to the other teammate for 25 minutes, and we would send our results to our support staff on theI.T. team. The I.T. teams would respond in 25 minutes to the next team, and so on. We were able to create a nice parallel structure for our days, and we were able to keep things moving.
“As a project manager, having an agreed upon time management technique helped plan out our days. But after a couple of weeks, the team adopted a different time management tool for the project.”
I can see how that would make assigning a task to each pomodoro easier as well as create a sense of urgency behind the task, I like that. I asked him if he preferred using the Pomodoro technique as a team effort or if it was equally as effective as a solo effort?
“Good question, McCayla, if everyone adopts the technique equally, it’s a very good team tool. It puts you into a mindset that makes you focus, avoid multi-tasking, and reducing those “squirrel” moments. I also like the way it forces us to think about breaking your projects into achievable tasks. Can I create an entire eLearning project in 25 minutes? No, that’s ridiculous. But I can create the storyboard in 25 minutes. I can have a 25 minute meeting to communicate my design ideas. It also keeps me from getting bogged down in the analysis phase, and overthinking everything.”
I love that the pomodoro forces you the break your projects into achievable tasks! I’ve never had that team experience, but in comparison to my productivity prior to using the Pomodoro Technique, I noticed some new areas for improvement in my ability to be efficient.
Honestly, I run a pretty tight ship when it comes to my schedule, I bought a planner (Full Focus Planner) that is designed to keep my daily goals my top priority, and my favorite podcast (Focus On This) talks about how to use that planner effectively…. Go ahead and judge me, I don’t mind. I love productivity!
So, I thought I was going to love this technique. But, what I learned about myself by using the Pomodoro technique is that I don’t typically organize my days in this manner of focusing on one task before I move onto another one. It completely surprised me that my focus was being spread out over a variety of tasks at any given moment of my day. I was putting in just as much thought into the task at hand, as I was thinking about what other tasks I could be doing, followed by an internal conversation of which tasks I should be doing. So, the structure felt unnatural to me. Although, beneficial.
The pomodoro technique reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Chuck Close (an American painter, artist, and photographer) where he suggests that,
“Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work… inspiration is absolutely unnecessary and somehow deceptive. You feel like you need this great idea before you can get down to work, and I find that’s almost never the case.”
What I mean is that with the Pomodoro technique I found that rather than waiting for inspiration to strike me to get started on one of the many tasks on my list, I simply scheduled time to work on them. This helped the tasks feel much smaller than before, and created a standard timeline for completion that I can use to set deadlines for those tasks in the future.
Aspects of the technique that I didn’t like?
I didn’t like the pressure of checking the clock to make sure I was on track and taking breaks when I was supposed to. So, I did some research and found an app called Focus To-Do, it’s free, where you can add in multiple projects, break those projects down into achievable tasks, and schedule your pomodoro’s before the day begins, and then you just press start. You could assign the tasks priority or due dates and then mark them complete.
So, throughout my day, my phone would sound an alarm for when it was time to start working, and a different alarm for when it was time to take a break. The app also had the option to play white noise while in a pomodoro, I chose to play “Nature sounds” but there were options of “classroom” or “café” which had muffled talking, “library” which just played muffled movements and footsteps, an “ocean shore” with crashing waves, “rain,” “bonfire,” and then for some reason you could also choose a ticking clock. I really liked this feature of the app, it fueled my productivity more than I anticipated. Overall, this app took away a lot of the pressure I was feeling to follow the structure of the technique appropriately.
I also had to rethink how to document my achievable tasks into those pomodoro’s, especially so that I could put them into the app I mentioned. One tip that I heard from the creators of my personal planner, is that it helps if you batch your tasks by category. For example: You have your “On stage” tasks, these are the tasks that create deliverables, these largely make up your job description, then you have you “backstage” tasks such as admin work or research, and finally you have “Off-stage work” and this is what you do on a personal level, so that could be related to your personal life, or your personal development plan.
Would this technique work in the office?
Well, working with people who are not practicing the same time management technique would create inconsistency in my day, and I’m still struggling with how to navigate that. At home, for the chunks of time that I needed that laser focus, during that “on-stage” time, I close out of all background applications (email, Teams, Outlook, Skype, etc) so that it wasn’t possible for those to interrupt my work and I was amazed at what I could accomplish in that period of time. For me, I think just knowing that I have some time coming up, a light at the end of the tunnel if you will, designated for distractions allowed me to ignore them temporarily.
I’d love audience feedback on this. Have you used it? If yes, how so? What benefits have you seen from using this technique?
Ladies, I have been a runner for the past several years, but more so this year than others. For all this time, I’ve been struggling with….
The Chafe.
The horrible, awful, agitating chafing. Why does this happen???
I thought it happened because I have thick thighs. I do, it’s just a fact.
When I was first starting to “become a runner” I was wearing those little itty bitty shorts with the built in underwear because, I dunno, I read somewhere that I was “supposed to” and I just believed that? Maybe because they’re called “running shorts.”
However, not only did I despise the built in underwear, (I mean seriously… am I supposed to go commando under those shorts? Am I supposed to wear undies AND have the built in ones in the shorts? Either way, I wasn’t loving it.) I also hated the chafing.
So, most of the time I run in leggings. Oh, it’s 98 degrees outside with 80 percent humidity? Still wearing leggings. It was rough!
So, why did I do it? Why did I subject myself to this aggravation and the skin irritation? Because those short shorts were “cool” and biker shorts were not. Because the short shorts were sexy and biker shorts were not. Because I was running not biking. *insert eye roll here*
BUT then, I spoke to a couple of my other female running friends and sisters, and they ALL chafe when they run. It’s just the way it is. It’s the way many women are built and even losing weight didn’t eliminate the chaffing completely, though in some cases it did help.
So, I was newly motivated to find a different solution. I was sick of running in pants when it was that hot. I bought Body Glide, and for me it wasn’t a magical solution. Did it help? Sure, but I still wasn’t able to run in those “running shorts” with any sense of comfort.
Fed up, I decided to buy the effin biker shorts.
Best. Decision. Ever.
Literally only cost me $16.00.
LADIES, I can run freely without Body Glide, without chaffing, and without a care about who thought I looked cool or sexy. I felt confident. I felt comfortable.
As you may recall, I set some lofty goals for 2020. I broke the year into quarters and assigned goals to each quarter. I’m halfway through the year now, though it has felt MUCH longer than that, so this is me checking in with my goals.
What have I learned?
I don’t like procrastinating on the running goals! Seriously. In June, I ran the bulk of my 29.55 miles in the last week of the month! Wondering how I couldn’t make it that last .45 mile?? Because I had to run 8.45 miles on the last day in June to get to 30 miles for the month… and at 8 miles, the sun had set, I was limping because my knee hurt, and my feet felt swollen and raw. I had to listen to my body and stop running. I wanted to finish that last little bit SO BAD! But it was a good lesson, that I need to push through my goals starting at the very beginning of the month! I am proud of myself for pushing like that up till the very end. I could have easily talked myself into not running by saying something like, “I’m never going to run 8.5 miles today, why run any?” or “I’m way too far away from my goals, what’s the point?” or “it’s so hot and humid, don’t bother!”
I heard all of those excuses in my head and I ran anyway.
I learned that in quarantine I have more time but less motivation to accomplish my goals. It is far too easy to binge TV shows, make myself a cocktail, and cook outrageously delicious but not good for me hot dishes. I have to actively fight back against my laziness. I have to schedule in time to accomplish, to check in with my goals, and make sure that I’m making progress.
How did COVID-19 affect my goals?
Since I don’t want to be entering into the post office if I don’t have to, I removed all of my items that were for sale online and crossed off the related goals.
Again this quarter, no art fairs.
Other than than, sometimes quarantine life gets me down. But recommitting to my goals whenever I remember (working on scheduling that into my weekly routine) helps me to keep that forward focused mindset!
I am SO proud of my wins this quarter!! And on the goals I didn’t accomplish, I gained insight from them.
Running 30 miles every month? SUPER HARD… but I like that it’s a challenge! I might not always run 30 each month, but I will keep on trying! In fact, as a new motivation, if I run 180 miles between July 1 – December 31 I am going to award myself by buying a new fitness watch, a Garmin!! I’ve been eyeing it up for a while now and trying to find a good reason to upgrade, well thanks Rebekah for suggesting this because it’s the perfect motivator!
Finishing my Beach Body 21 Day Fix from last month would have been awesome, but I didn’t do it because I had to pack and move to St. Paul… Then I lost traction and eventually had to restart the program. I waited too long, and wasn’t able to finish it this quarter either. However, I’m proud of myself for recommitting to my goals!
I didn’t quite lose the 10 pounds I was hoping for, but I did lose 5! Even partial progress is progress worth celebrating!
Cheers to the first half of 2020, and here’s to recommitting to my New Years resolutions!
In these next 3 months, I am going to continue to run 30 miles each month, complete 1 Beach Body program, continue to eat right, hopefully lose some weight along the way, and then I have some writing and art goals I will be working on!
As you may recall, I set some lofty goals for 2020. I broke the year into quarters and assigned goals to each quarter. It is now officially the end of that quarter and I am here with my status report!
What have I learned?
I learned that my goals need to be more flexible. For example, I couldn’t have predicted the neck injury I got in February that caused a ton of my resolutions to fall short, and I surely didn’t predict the outbreak and repercussions of COVID-19.
How did COVID-19 affect my goals?
It didn’t make any sense to me to apply for art shows that might not happen due to social distancing, so I cancelled that goal for Q1. I also didn’t sell quite as many items as I would have liked to because with this pandemic I don’t want to be entering into the post office if I don’t have to, due to the decline in our economy people likely won’t be buying household items online quite as readily as before, and even if they are interested in shopping online the coronavirus can live on surfaces for approximately two days so that could deter them from shopping. So, I removed all of my items that were for sale online.
I also changed several of my upcoming goals as well, more on that later.
I am SO proud of my 16 wins!! And on the 9 goals I didn’t accomplish, I gained insight from them.
Counting calories? Takes WAYYY too much time, I’d rather just pay attention to what I’m eating and continue to choose healthy, low carb options.
Running 30 miles every month? Hard… but I like that it’s a challenge! I might not always run 30 each month, but I might still be able to run 360 over the course of the whole year!?
Gloss all my paintings? With the move that happened early April, I had to spend a lot of my time packing so I just didn’t have the time to do that. Still, I’m so happy that I was able to gloss 90% of all of my paintings! Now, when the time comes where I can enter my art in an art fair, my paintings will be ready to go!
I am bummed that I didn’t take home my paintings that are hanging up in a Chicago coffee shop (Emerald City on Sheridan) but, I do love that my art is on display somewhere!
Finishing my Beach Body 21 Day Fix would have been awesome, but I had to prioritize packing for my move. I’m proud of myself for being able to prioritize appropriately, because I barely had everything ready in time! (And we had to come back for 2 additional trips to gather up belongings I had forgotten lol, whoops!)
Cheers to Quarter 1, but I am looking forward to Quarter 2!
The Selcouth Woman 